Baby Talk
by I Am Sweden
Summary: Something is causing the Dissidia warriors to turn into children. What- or who?- is behind it? Oh, Squall most definitely wants to find out.


**This story is the result of seeing too many chibi pictures in a row at once. Please enjoy and review.**

**Baby Talk**

"Whoever cast this spell is DEAD."

"Oh, wook at wittle Squallie, pwaying wit his wittle gun!" Terra cooed, reaching out to pinch his cheeks.

The five year old recoiled from her in disgust. "This isn't funny!" he cried, his voice light and squeaky- the complete opposite.

A light pink zap of magic slammed into Terra, knocking her over. Groaning in a soft voice, she sat up. Squall smirked in triumph. "Who's the little kiddie now, Terra?"

She blinked and held up two chubby little hands. "Oh, I'm a child now, too!" she realized in dismay.

"ULTIMECIA!"

((((()))))

"I hate the world."

Squall and Terra's eyes bugged out of their heads upon finding the toddler. She had dark pigtails sticking out of the side of her head, crimson eyes glaring at the two stumbling into the tower. Ultimecia had on a small black dress, her previous dress sagged around her ankles. The Time Sorceress narrowed her eyes at them. "Who. Did. This?"

The two shook their heads, Terra's short golden ringlets slapping back and forth.

Squall finally let his heavy gun blade clatter to the floor. "Okay, now that you're crossed off the list of doing this _atrocity_ to us, we've got to think of who would have a grudge against all three of us."

Ultimecia put her cupped her chin, deep in thought. "Kuja was going on one of his rants yesterday about how we 'wrongly accuse' him of being the gay reject villain. I haven't seen him since then."

Terra cocked an eyebrow. "That wasn't very nice, you know. I mean, if he wants to look pretty, why stop him?"

The two kids stared at her in disbelief. Terra suddenly giggled. "You know, I bet he'd make a cute little kid."

Squall palmed himself while Ultimecia merely rolled her eyes and turned to leave. "Let's go, you two."

((((()))))

They weren't able to find Kuja, but they did find Bartz, who was frantically yelling at something before him. That 'something' was a kiddie version of Tidus. The Blitz star's hair stuck up in countless directions that _couldn't_ have been natural, and yet it was. "I'm telling you, I was in the middle of fighting some manikins, and suddenly _this_ happened."

"But you had to have seen whoever did it! Do you know what the Warrior of Light will do to me if I don't find out who turned him into a kid!" Bartz burst. "He'll kill me! Massacre me! Smear me all over a wall and paint over me!"

"Interesting imagery you've got there," Squall intoned- sounding pretty darn cute, to be honest.

Bartz yelped and turned around, his already wide brown eyes growing wider at the sight before him. "You all too? Aww! Light is definitely-"

His whining was cut off by a light blue zap. When it faded, Bartz was about a foot and a half shorter. Terra squealed and rushed up to pinch his cheeks. "So adorable!"

Bartz slapped her hands away. "Gah! No! We have to figure out who did this!"

"Amen," the four said.

((((()))))

"IF YOU DON'T STOP LAUGHING AT ME THIS INSTANT I WILL ULTIMA YOUR FACE!"

Terra blinked. "A girl? Did someone turn the Cloud of Darkness into a kid too?"

"Hear that, you insipid crow? Someone else come to laugh!"

Terra immediately glared at Kefka, whose usually jovial face was plain out ecstatic. This was due to a small, silver-haired boy with a crimson face standing in front of him. "ADORABLE!" the half-esper squealed in delight, diving for Kuja's cheeks.

He shrieked and started running from her and her pinching fingers.

Ultimecia, chuckling at the screaming genome, drew an X in the air. "That knocks the crybaby off the list. Kefka, did you see whoever turned him into a child?"

The clown floated upside down to think. "Nope! Just one ominous flash of magic shooting out at him-" Kefka shot out a fireball to the sky and made some sound effects "-and then he turned munchkin size!"

"GET-OFF-OF-ME!"

"Sooooo cuuuuuute!"

Tidus sighed. "Terra is such a girl."

Everyone except Ultimecia, who took great offence to this, nodded in agreement.

((((()))))

The Emperor hated just about everyone, so they decided to visit Pandaemonium next.

"It was Firion. That little brat came, the flash of light turned me into a child and suddenly he was gone. It had to be!" the blonde child pressed. He threw an accusing glare at Ultimecia. "Either him, or it had to be the old hag! She's probably just fooling us and-"

Ultimecia growled out a spell and froze him in the middle of his accusation. "Firion doesn't use magic, and the man is obviously insane. Shall we try the next- Wait." The Time Witch turned back to the Emperor for a moment. "Did you call me 'the old hag'?"

He couldn't defend himself. Ultimecia grabbed his David Bowie hair and yanked up hard on it, screaming, "I AM NOT A HAG, YOU INSUFFERABLE LITTLE BRAT!"

Squall and Terra exchanged wary glances. The group set off, leaving the two villains to it.

((((()))))

Tidus, Bartz, and Kuja looked ready to burst into tears. Fed up with their sniffling, Squall turned. "Just _what _is wrong now?"

Tidus stuck out his bottom lip. "I'm tired!" he whined, stomping the ground. "I don't like walking!"

Bartz and Kuja echoed the same complaint. Squall glared at them each in turn and went straight to Terra. "Make them stop complaining."

She crossed her skinny arms. "Why do instantly come to me for?"

"You're a _girl_ and you have _experience _with children."

Terra's eyes welled up with tears. "You're so mean!" she burst into a sob.

The boys followed suit and started crying too.

Squall frowned and fought against tears of fury himself. "No," he countered, "_you're _the ones who are mean! I just want to find whoever did this to us and smash their faces in and- and-!" He plopped on the ground and sobbed. "N-not fair!"

The four didn't noticed the advancing figure approaching. The blonde knelt down to Terra's level and ruffled her blonde locks, startling her. She looked up to see Cloud Strife. "Tell me what's wrong?" he asked.

**Several stories later…**

Cloud nodded thoughtfully. "We need to think about who has power over time besides Ultimecia. Any ideas?"

Bartz meekly raised his hand. "Didn't Garland come from the future or something?"

"Light did tell us he traveled through time," Cloud murmured. "Anyone else we can think of?"

Squall suddenly remarked, "I didn't know you were good with kids, Strife. What gives?"

"Back in my world, I have to take care of Marlene- who's seven- and an eleven-year-old named Denzel. Taking care of you bunch is _nothing _compared to watching out for them," Cloud explained.

The ex-SOLDIER looked around at the kids. "Are we all rested up now?"

Terra sniffled and slowly nodded. She stood up and took Cloud's hand. "Thank you, Cloud."

Bartz furiously tried to hold in a chorus of, "Cloud and Terra sittin' on Exdeath pounding his face in while they're a-smoochin'."

Tidus, however, didn't have the decency to hold it back and burst into song.

Terra's face flared and she gripped the bottom of her skirt in embarrassed anger. "Ooh, you meanie!"

"No name calling!" Cloud reprimanded her. He turned to Bartz and Tidus, "And don't make fun of each other!"

They let out a "Awww!"

"Stupid Cloud," Tidus muttered, turning his back to him to pout.

Cloud groaned and smacked his forehead. "On second thought, maybe you all will end up worse than Marlene and Denzel."

"It's not my fault!" Kuja cried. "They're the ones who's doing it!"

"I'm not doing anything! Stop accusing me!"

"CLOUD!" Squall and Kuja burst.

The blonde looked up to the sky. "Please end this?"

((((()))))

Chaos stuck two fingers in his ears while his other two arms were crossed. "I am not apologizing for something you too partook of, Cosmos."

"I only partook because you started it! You can't just turn my warriors into children!" Cosmos shrilly argued. "Look at them, now- they're crying!"

The demon gaped. "Your warriors! Look at _mine_! Mateus is going to be bald soon and Kuja is giving me an earache!"

Cosmos smacked him. "Don't say that about the poor boy! He's only crying because _someone _made me miss Kefka!"

"So you _admit _to the act against my warriors!"

"Only because you hit my warriors first!"

Both deities jumped back and prepared their spells.

This was not going to end well.

((((()))))

"You each owe me your life," Ultimecia airily declared once every warrior, Cosmos, and Chaos were back to their rightful ages.

Squall glowered at the witch, the look much more piercing and dark after spending the day looking cute and adorable. "Just. Go."

With a "Hmph!" she obeyed and teleported away. The SeeD general turned to Cosmos and Chaos. "Either of you want to explain why we spent the day in Huggies?"

"He did it." "She did it."

"YOU BOTH DID IT!"

Cosmos winced from the shout, and Chaos only frowned and looked away. Squall rolled his eyes, aghast at their behaviors. "Acting like five-year-olds yourselves!"

He shook his head, muttering something about the pay he unjustly was not receiving, and turned to leave. "Back to work, everyone. Let's just act like today didn't happen."

Yeah. Like that was going to happen.


End file.
